Jesus-Centered Marriage (Jesus-Centered Relationships #2)

Let me start with a story about my first Christmas as a married man.

My wife and I had no kids, we were seniors in college, and we decided to try to do both sets of family — hers in Topeka, mine in Shenandoah, Iowa.

While we were in Shenandoah, word somehow reached us that a bunch of my old high school friends were getting together. Keep in mind this is before Facebook and before cell phones, so I have no idea how the message arrived. They probably flew a pterodactyl over the house and dropped a note.

Either way, we put on our winter coats and walked a block up the road, and a good crowd had gathered. It was fun catching up.

But what I remember most about that night is a conversation between two friends who were both at Iowa State. They’d run into each other at a wedding the weekend before, and one of them started complaining about the pastor’s sermon.

He had used Ephesians 5:22–33 as his text — the parallel passage to what we’re looking at today. And in the sermon he told the bride she was to submit to her husband.

My friend was appalled that this pastor had the audacity to use an ancient, outdated, misogynistic text to tell her friend she had to submit to this guy.

A few things went through my head as I listened.

First: this passage had never bothered me. And I wondered why. Was it because I’m a man and had never once had to consider what it would feel like to be told to submit? Was it because I was raised in a Christian home and taught to respect the Scriptures, so if the Bible said it, fine? Or was it because I’d never actually stopped to think about what it means — in Paul’s day or in our modern era of 1994?

And second, I got an education in that moment, because I discovered how genuinely explosive that word is. I could feel the anger coming off my friend. And the other friend was just stunned, offering a weak “yeah, I know, it was awful.”

I tell that story because some of you may feel exactly the same — that this idea of submission is cruel and misogynistic.

You’re going to hear something different today. I hope you’ll see that it isn’t what our modern instincts assume. And I also hope you’ll see that we focus so heavily on submit that we forget the call given to the husband — which I believe is harder.

Where We Are

Open your Bible to Colossians 3.

Last week we came back to Colossians after several weeks away, and as we returned I realized we were about to encounter a lot of material on relationships — which is why we rebranded this stretch as Jesus-Centered Relationships.

Last week was a fifth Sunday, when all our kids join us in the main gathering, so it made sense to skip verses 18 and 19 and go to 20 and 21, since those speak to children and parents together.

Which means today we go back and pick up what we skipped.

Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.

There it is. Wives, submit. Husbands, love. Done.

No? All right, let’s get into the mess.

About That Word

Last week, talking to the kids, I told them their scary word was obey — and then showed them that in the Greek it really means to listen in a way that spurs you into action. That took some of the sting out.

So wives, you see your scary word and you’re hoping I’ll say, “But in the Greek it actually means something else.”

Sorry. The word means submit.

But there are several things you need to know about it.

First: “to your husbands.”

Paul is not saying this as a misogynist. He isn’t saying women rank somewhere around the level of a slave and therefore submit to everyone.

It’s wives, submit to your husbands. The only man a wife is called to submit to is her own husband. Not other women’s husbands. Not men in general. In Ephesians 5 Paul makes it even more explicit: your own husband.

This describes a way God designed marriage to operate — a particular role within that relationship, not a general ranking of the sexes.

So if you have a job with an authority over you, you obviously operate under that authority — but they don’t control you.

Let me take it further. As a pastor here, I occupy a certain position of authority. I work with the elders on decisions that affect all of us, and I teach the Scriptures every week. And if you came to me for input on your job, your parenting, or your marriage, I would gladly sit down, listen, ask questions, and try to take you to Scripture and help you see what God has for you.

But even in that position, I do not have the right to demand that you do something. The only man you are called to submit to is your husband.

A caveat for the unmarried.

This matters, because I’ve known good Christian young women in dating relationships who became convinced this is the man I’m going to marry — and so, trying to be a good Christian woman, they began submitting to him.

And what happens is that they miss red flags. Behaviors that should be warning signs get absorbed as things to submit to — when in fact they’re evidence that this is not a man to tie your life to.

Until the moment you stand on that stage and say “I do,” you don’t have to do what he tells you. Show respect. Show honor. Show kindness. Ask questions. Build the relationship — because if he does become your husband, you’ll be in this relationship. But you are not under that obligation yet.

Second: what the word actually carries.

In Greek literature this word is sometimes used in a military sense — and there it means forced compliance. You must submit.

But in non-military usage it’s very different.

I use a study Bible each week that quoted a Greek lexicon on this without naming its source, so I went looking and found a second lexicon with a nearly identical definition — also unsourced. So I’m passing along something I can’t fully trace, though I trust both places. Here’s the definition:

A voluntary attitude of giving in, cooperating, assuming responsibility, and carrying a burden.

Read that again. Voluntary. A willingness. A desire to cooperate. An attitude that says, I will carry this burden with you — of life, of parenting, of this marriage.

It still means submit. But it is chosen, not coerced.

“But He Doesn’t Lead Well”

Here’s the honest difficulty: we men don’t lead perfectly. Most of you are thinking, you didn’t need to tell us that.

How do you submit to a man who gets it wrong? Especially if you’re in a marriage where you’re the more intelligent one, or you have the wider bandwidth, or you’re more organized, or you have a far better sense about money.

Why on earth would you — who by the world’s measure is clearly the more capable — voluntarily submit to that man?

I think the answer is in the second half of the verse: as is fitting in the Lord.

Your submission to your husband is not ultimately about your husband. It’s about your relationship with Christ.

And Paul has already told us how. Back in verses 12 through 17, which we covered in week two, he describes what a follower of Jesus looks like: put on compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience. Bear with one another. Forgive each other if you have a complaint. And above all, put on love. Then the peace of Christ will rule in your heart and you’ll be thankful.

And then verse 17: whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus.

How do you serve and submit to a far-from-perfect man? You do it as to the Lord.

Which is exactly how Paul frames it in Ephesians 5: Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

And you might object: that’s not fair. The church can submit to Christ because Christ is perfect.

But turn it around. If you can learn to submit to an imperfect man, how much more readily can you submit to your perfect heavenly Father?

Here’s something you may not have considered. Your marriage is only for this earth. Jesus says in Matthew 22 that there is no marriage in the resurrection — because I believe there is only one marriage in heaven, between Christ and the church, which we read about in Revelation 21.

So your submission to your husband lasts until one of you dies. Your submission to your perfect heavenly Father is eternal. Which means part of what’s happening here is that this is training and connecting you for something that outlasts the marriage. This is worship.

God knows your husband isn’t perfect. But when you said yes to this marriage, you were saying: God, I trust You to use this man in my life. I trust You arranged this. And I will fill my role.

An Important Limit

Last week I had to give the kids a caveat, and I have to give the same one here — because Ephesians 5 says wives should submit “in everything.”

Everything does not mean everything.

Just as a child cannot and should not obey a parent who is forcing them into sin, a wife cannot and should not submit if her husband is trying to force her into sin.

If he wants you to lie on the taxes, you can’t and shouldn’t. If he’s pushing you to verbally or physically abuse the children, you can’t and shouldn’t. If he’s demanding things outside what God calls for sexually, you can’t and shouldn’t.

Because your submission to him is fundamentally about your submission to Christ. He is the one you honor first — and part of honoring Him is how you love this man.

But most of you are married to genuinely good men who love Jesus and love you. Yes, they fail. Can you still seek to honor them, respect them, and submit to them, because it’s your role?

The Harder Assignment

Now to verse 19: Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.

Why would he need to say “do not be harsh”?

I think he’s saying: she is not your slave. She is not your child. She is not your employee. She is your complete equal. God put her in your life, and if she follows Christ, she understands He died for her. She bears His image. Honor her. Love her. Don’t be harsh.

The same Paul wrote in Galatians 3:28 that in Christ there is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female. People assumed God was only for the Jews and the Gentiles were out — no, Christ died for them. They assumed the free ranked above the slave — no, Christ died for all of them. Some cultures assumed men ranked above women — no, Christ died for all.

If that’s the love Christ has for her, then do not be harsh with her.

You Don’t Need to Submit. You Need to Die.

Ephesians 5 tells husbands how to love: Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

I walk couples through this in premarital counseling, and I always look at the groom and ask: what are you called to do?

Love my wife.

How?

As Christ loved the church.

And how did Christ show His love for the church?

He gave Himself up for her.

Right. And what does that mean? That He let her win a wrestling match? Threw a board game so she’d feel good?

No. It means He died.

So congratulations, husbands: you don’t need to submit. You need to die.

Not literally, this afternoon. You need to die to yourself — to your dreams, your wishes, your wants — in order to put her first.

Jesus had no sin, so He did not owe the penalty of death. But He loved us so much, knowing we could never pay it without being eternally separated from God, that He came, put us first, and died in our place so that our sin could be paid for, justice served, and we could be redeemed.

Men, that is what you are called to.

Why This Is Harder Than Submission

Honestly, submission is easier. Think about a job.

If your boss tells you to do something you think is a bad idea, you do it anyway. But you know that if the higher-ups come through and ask why it’s being done this way, you can shrug and say, “I didn’t think it was a good idea, but they’re the boss.” The weight falls on them. You may dislike it, but you can shrug.

When you’re dying to yourself, there is no shrug. You are constantly putting her first. It is all about her.

That’s Philippians 2:3–4 — in humility, count others more significant than yourselves, and look not only to your own interests but also to the interests of others. We’re to do that for one another as followers of Jesus, and especially inside a marriage.

And men, let me tell you: if you actually do this — if you die to yourself — she will have no trouble submitting. Because she will see your heart for her, your dedication, your sacrifice. She’ll know you’re for her. So she’ll gladly partner with you, cooperate with you, carry burdens alongside you. You’ll be a team, because she can see what you’re doing.

But just as the wife has to keep her eyes on Christ in order to submit to an imperfect man, the husband has to keep his eyes on Christ in order to die to himself. It is hard to do day in and day out. So you look at Jesus — the one who loved the church so much He gave Himself up for her.

Husbands, if you want the kind of marriage the world would envy — if you want your wife singing your praises — die to yourself and put her first. You’ll find yourself with the marriage you always wanted.

If You’re Not Married

I’m glad you’re hearing this. The season you’re in is a season God is working in.

Seek Christ. If God changes that season and brings you into a marriage, you’ll have a head start on what you’re being called to and how to honor Christ in it.

But don’t feel you must get married in order to be complete. You are fine as you are. There are genuine advantages to singleness when it comes to devotion to Christ. Being married is good. Being single is good. And if you’re called into marriage, understand what you’re being called to — real sacrifice, genuinely putting another person first.

If Your Marriage Isn’t What You Hoped

Some of you are listening to this and your marriage isn’t what you wanted. Maybe you’re roommates, passing like ships in the night. Maybe there’s friendship and cooperation but no intimacy. Maybe there’s real animosity, because things have happened and you’re still carrying them.

What do you do?

Pray. And I don’t mean that as a throwaway.

I know we’re in church and you assume the pastor has to say it before moving on to the useful material. I mean it literally: pray, and pray hard.

Because God created marriage. From the very beginning, He makes Adam, then makes Eve, and brings the two together.

God is for this, because marriage reflects Him. We worship a triune God — one God, completely united in three persons. And in marriage two individuals are brought together and become one flesh. You see it in children, and you can feel it in the heart. Marriage reflects His character.

It also reflects the gospel. If a husband is dying to himself for the sake of his wife, that points straight back to Jesus dying for the sake of the church.

So God is passionate about marriage. He wants yours to be beautiful. Pray your face off.

But don’t pray the wrong prayer.

Don’t pray for your marriage to change by having your spouse changed. Pray for your marriage to change because God is changing you.

Men, if you say to your wife, “You must submit to me,” you are doing it wrong. She’s meant to do this voluntarily. If she sees you dying to yourself, it becomes far easier for her. May you never utter those words to her. Let God call her to that — and you ask God to help you die. Because that’s the hard part.

For some of you, dying to yourself means saying yes to marriage counseling. For others it means restructuring your schedule. For others it means giving up a hobby or an activity. For others it simply means doing the hard thing, because she’s worth it. Christ died for her. Die to yourself for her sake.

Wives, your husband has been given something hard.

And too many of us are like Adam.

I believe the first man was standing right there while Eve talked with the serpent. Genesis 3 says that as the conversation unfolded, she took the fruit, saw it was good, ate it, and turned to her husband — who was with her — and he ate too. He was standing there the whole time, listening.

Which is why Paul notes at the end of 1 Timothy 2 that Eve was deceived but Adam was not. Adam knew exactly what was happening. And he said nothing.

Men, we stay silent too long. We’re afraid — protecting our reputation, afraid of our own emotions, afraid of being exposed to this woman we’re in a one-flesh relationship with.

So wives, you’re going to need patience. And you’re probably going to need support.

Because we go AWOL — present physically, gone emotionally. And if the only strategy is nagging us back, it will push us further away.

Instead, find ways to show love and respect. Paul closes his section on marriage in Ephesians 5:33 this way: let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Your husband needs to know you respect him.

I recognize he may be doing things right now that don’t deserve it. But when you stood on that stage before a pastor or a judge and committed your life to him, you were saying he had earned it.

So it’s hard. It is genuinely hard. Find a way to show respect. You don’t have to agree with everything he’s doing or saying. Find ways to compliment him, to honor him, to keep seeking to submit — because again, this isn’t ultimately about him. It’s about your relationship with the Father.

And if you need support, find one or two women who will pray with you. Don’t turn this into gossip. Don’t trash your husband. Find someone who will listen, pray, and encourage you to keep doing the hard thing.

Don’t Give Up

Whether you’re the husband or the wife in a difficult marriage: don’t quit. Even if they aren’t doing their part, seek to honor God and do yours.

Because that’s what Christ did for us. Romans 5 says that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. While we were entirely focused on ourselves, He focused on us and did what needed to be done.

So you do this whether he’s doing it or not. Whether she’s doing it or not. You keep your eyes on Christ and ask Him to work through you to make this marriage everything it can be.

I’m not going to lie to you and promise it will magically change. What I can say is that you may well watch God work in you — and it may change your marriage. I will pray that it does.

And even if it doesn’t — even if this marriage falls apart entirely — your relationship with God will be closer than it has ever been. You will see Him work in you and through you, because He will never be finished with you.

Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church, and do not be harsh with them.