Jesus-Centered Parenting (Jesus-Centered Relationships #1)

Open your Bible to Colossians 3.

And kids — I’m so glad you’re here. It’s always a joy when you’re with us. You bring such energy. I love singing with you and getting to learn alongside you.

If your family has been part of Riverwood a while, you know we’ve been studying Colossians for a bit. We worked through a lot of it back in 2022 and got about three-quarters of the way through. We’re going to finish the book in February — and we actually picked up a section of it during our 21 Days of Prayer, covering verses 12 through 17.

Which means we’re ready for verse 18.

And in verse 18, Paul shifts. He moves from talking about following Jesus to talking about relationships.

We called our Colossians series Centered, because in this book Paul teaches us how to live Jesus-centered lives. But now, because of the gospel, it’s not only how we live that changes — it’s our relationships too. So he begins showing us how to live out Jesus-centered relationships.

When that dawned on me this week, I realized we needed a slight rebrand. So we’re closing out the Centered series and beginning Jesus-Centered Relationships.

Calling an Audible

Kids, I’m going to play quarterback and call an audible.

We were set to start at verse 18, which is about marriage. But it dawned on me on Tuesday that you were going to be with us today. Now, it wouldn’t be bad for you to hear a sermon on marriage — a number of you will probably be married someday. But it would mean you’d miss the week when we talk about children and parents.

So I’m moving next week’s sermon to today and punting marriage to next week.

Which means, kids, half of what you hear today is directly for you.

Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. (Colossians 3:20–21)

Heavenly Father, we’ve read from Your Word, and now we ask You to explain it to us. So much of it is right there on the surface, easy to see. But there are things in us that want to push back on some of it, or decide it doesn’t apply to us. So no matter where we are — whether we’re a kid or a parent, or neither and it seems not to fit us at all — would You still speak? Be our teacher, and let us walk out of here thankful for this time as You’ve spoken through Your holy Word. In Jesus’s name we pray, amen.

The Pattern Paul Uses

Before we dive in, I need to point out a pattern.

In each of these relationships, Paul first addresses the person who would be considered under — the lower position — and then he addresses the one who is over, the higher position.

So next week, when we get to marriage in verses 18 and 19, he speaks first to the wife, telling her to submit, and then gives instructions to the husband. Today, he speaks first to children and then to the authority, the parent. Then in verse 22 he speaks to bondservants, and then turns to masters at the start of chapter 4.

So kids — because Paul talks to you first, we’re going to talk to you first.

Kids: What “Obey” Actually Means

In verse 18, when Paul talks to wives, he uses that scary word submit. We’ll unpack it thoroughly next week, and hopefully you’ll see it’s not at all what our modern culture assumes.

But kids, he doesn’t use that word for you. He uses a different scary word: obey.

I know some of you just shuddered — like when the hyenas hear the name Mufasa in The Lion King.

But it’s not that scary. The word “obey” simply means listen. It’s just that it’s not listening the way you listen to music. It’s listening that spurs you into action.

Here’s an example. Kids, imagine you’re at home playing on your iPad or reading a book, just sitting on the couch. And suddenly — ding dong. The doorbell.

Who is it? What do you do?

You jump up and run to the door. Unless mom and dad aren’t home, in which case you pretend you’re not there either. Everybody be quiet. Shhh.

But if mom and dad are home, you sprint to that door and open it. Because maybe it’s a friend inviting you to come play. Maybe it’s a delivery driver with a big package from grandma and grandpa, and it’s going to be the best present ever. Maybe it’s the sweepstakes people, here to announce you’re finally a millionaire.

You heard the doorbell, and it spurred you into action.

That’s obey.

Kids, when your mom or dad says your name, they want your attention — because they want you to listen and be spurred into action. So when they say, “Clean your room,” it’s not “Aw, do I have to?” It’s “Okay” — and it moves you. When dad says, “Come help me work outside,” it’s not “What?” It’s “Okay” — and it moves you.

Already I can hear some of you. I don’t want to do that, because the things mom and dad ask me to do aren’t fun. You don’t understand — I have a huge playlist of videos to watch. I’m so busy. I have levels in my video game I have to finish today. I have an entire Lego set to build. I don’t have time to obey.

Let me address that a little differently.

How Much God Loves You

Kids, how many of you know that God loves you? Good — lots of hands.

But I’m not sure you realize how much. So here’s how much.

You know your mom and dad love you, right? And they love you far more than you even realize. And yet God loves you more than that.

In fact, let’s take all the love your mom has for you and all the love your dad has for you and combine them. God still has more.

Let’s throw in grandmas and grandpas, aunts and uncles, your teacher, and a whole bunch of really nice people here at Riverwood. Still more.

Let’s pretend that all eight billion people on this planet love you as much as your mom and dad do. Combine every bit of it — and God still loves you more.

That’s how much God loves you. That’s His heart toward you.

So when God gives us commands and instructions in Scripture, it isn’t because He’s trying to take something from you or limit you or make life boring. It’s because He’s trying to help you and protect you — because He loves you.

When God tells you not to lie, it isn’t because He wants you to get in trouble. It’s because He wants you to be the kind of person people can trust.

When God tells you not to steal, it isn’t because He’s keeping things from you. It’s because He wants you to trust that He can provide exactly what you need.

It’s because He loves you.

And when you realize God loves you that much, now you want to obey. You want to do what He asks, because you start to see it’s actually for your good.

Practicing on Imperfect Parents

Kids, one of the greatest ways you can obey God is to obey your mom and dad.

Now, your mom and dad love you tremendously — and they are far from perfect. Which means if you can learn to obey an imperfect mom and an imperfect dad, you’re going to be excellent at obeying a perfect God.

You get to practice at home. Because one day your mom and dad will no longer be the authority in your life. Instead, God will be your complete authority. Right now He’s your authority through your parents. In time you’ll graduate out of that — but you will always be under God’s authority.

Does “Everything” Really Mean Everything?

Notice Paul doesn’t just say “children, obey your parents.” He says “obey your parents in everything.”

And you’re sitting there thinking, Whoa. Everything? Okay, when mom says clean my room — fine, I guess. But if dad says eat my carrots? No way. Not doing it. I hate carrots.

Kids, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you’re right — “everything” doesn’t quite mean absolutely everything. The bad news is it definitely still means you have to eat your carrots.

Here’s what I mean. The Greek word carries the sense of “all things.” I have a friend who was a youth pastor for years, and he taught his youth group that when the Bible says all, “all means all, and that’s all all means.” It was funny to hear an entire youth group say that in unison. But over time I’ve realized it isn’t quite accurate. There are times the Bible uses “all” without meaning every single one.

Here’s an example. In Matthew 3, Matthew is writing about John the Baptist, whose ministry of baptizing out in the wilderness is spreading by word of mouth. Verse 5 says, “Then Jerusalem and all Judea and all the region about the Jordan were going out to him.”

Did every single individual in the city of Jerusalem go out to John? No. Did all of Judea — the equivalent of saying “all of Iowa” — go out? No.

But if you’d had the chance to go out to the Jordan and seen how many people were there, you’d have been blown away. You’d go home and tell everyone everybody was there. Not literally everybody. But it sure felt like it.

I did this exact thing a few days ago, just in the negative direction. I was telling someone that I enjoy meeting people at the coffee shop, but if I’m meeting someone about something private, we either need to go when it’s absolutely packed or meet at the office. Because when it’s packed, the noise and commotion mean you can sit right at a table and the people beside you can’t hear a thing.

But I was there once when there were about four people in the place, sitting with a friend, and he started opening up and sharing some things — and I suddenly realized every word was echoing through the whole room. Everyone heard our conversation.

So I’m telling someone this story and I said, “Yeah, we were there at 3:30 in the afternoon and nobody was there.”

Which wasn’t true. There were four other people. But when I said “nobody,” the person listening understood exactly what I meant.

The One Real Caveat

So when Paul says “obey your parents in everything,” there is a caveat — and it isn’t carrots.

The caveat is this: when your mom and dad tell you to sin.

Now kids, I know your parents. Riverwood is still small enough that I know they love you and they’re for you, and they aren’t going to ask that of you. But pretend for a second that they told you to go rob a bank with a squirt gun.

Don’t do it. First of all, you’d look ridiculous with a squirt gun — the teller would probably laugh, since all you’re going to do is get her wet. But second, it’s against the law, it’s stealing, and it’s not trusting God to provide.

That’s the kind of moment where you can’t obey — because ultimately your obedience is to God, not merely to your parents.

But again, kids: your moms and dads love Jesus and they love you. So listen to them, because 99.99% of what they say is genuinely what you need to do. It’s for your good.

It Pleases the Lord

Which is why Paul’s last phrase is “for this pleases the Lord.”

Your obedience to God is a kind of worship. When you sing to Jesus, that pleases the Lord. When you’re in Kids Creek asking questions, or at home reading your Bible, that pleases the Lord. When you do something genuinely kind for your brother or sister, or for a friend at school, that pleases the Lord.

And when you worship God by obeying your parents, that pleases the Lord too.

Ephesians was probably written at almost exactly the same time as Colossians — I truly believe Paul wrote them back to back, because they’re structured so similarly and cover so much of the same ground. And in Ephesians, when Paul comes to children, he adds something he doesn’t say here.

He ties it to the Ten Commandments. Of the ten commandments God gave through Moses, only one came with a promise attached — and it was the one about children and parents.

Honor your father and mother — which is the first commandment with a promise — that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth. (Ephesians 6:2–3)

Now kids, I highly doubt you’re sitting there longing to live long in the land. What does that even mean?

But for the ancient Jewish people it was enormous. They had wandered in a wilderness longing for what God called the promised land. They wanted to cross that river, get established, grow crops, have food, settle down, and know peace.

In other words, it’s another way of saying: live a long, happy life.

So kids — do you want to live a long, happy life? Then honor your parents. And the way to honor your parents while you’re still in the home is to obey them in everything.

And when you do, it pleases the Lord, it pleases your parents, and ultimately it pleases you.

Parents: Don’t Break Their Spirit

Now it’s your turn, moms and dads.

Verse 21 starts with the word “fathers,” so some of you moms may be thinking, Excellent. I get a pass.

Unfortunately, no.

Years ago I heard a pastor preach the Ephesians version of this passage, and he said, “Well, it says fathers — this is just for the dads, because moms don’t do this. Moms are the better parent. Us dads are the screw-ups.” And then he proceeded to beat up every father in the room.

But the Greek word pateras can mean fathers plural — as in “our forefathers,” or a group of dads at a picnic wearing dad shorts and telling dad jokes. And just as the word “mankind” refers to men and women, pateras can also refer to fathers and mothers together.

So I believe these instructions are for moms and dads. Because to the child he said, “obey your parents.” And now he turns to that authority and addresses both.

What “Provoke” Means

So what are we as parents supposed to do? “Do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.”

I’m using the ESV, which says “provoke.” Looking at a parallel Bible, the NIV uses “embitter.” The New American Standard uses “exasperate.” The New Living Translation — which we happen to have on our resource table — uses “aggravate.”

Why so many different words? Because the Greek could be rendered “stir up,” and that’s confusing for English readers. If you pour sugar and cream into your coffee, you want to stir it up so it works through the whole cup. To us that’s a good thing. And we are trying to raise our children. We want to stir up good things in them.

But look at the second half: “lest they become discouraged.” Disheartened. Another way to translate it is lest you break their spirit.

So “stir up” here means: don’t stir up your children in a way that breaks their heart and crushes their spirit.

The 5% Moments

You’re probably thinking, I would never do that. I don’t want to break my kid’s spirit.

I know you don’t. And yet even though you get it right 95% of the time, you’ve had that moment. For some of us it’s 5%. For some it’s 10 or 20. But we’ve all had the moment where we break our kid’s spirit.

I don’t fully know why we do it. Maybe it’s because we hold the position of authority and we have the power. So we use our mental power to make them feel foolish. Sometimes we use physical power to pick them up and make them do what we want. Sometimes we use emotional power — our presence, our disapproval — to manipulate them into obeying.

What I’ve noticed is that we often act this way when other things in our lives aren’t going well. If we’re being overlooked at work, if we feel ignored, if we’re struggling, if our marriage isn’t going great — we take it out on the kid. Because in that other area we feel a lack of control, and here is a place we can control. So we control the kid.

And sometimes it comes from what was done to us as children, and we let it come out on our own kids.

Why Identity Matters Here

That’s exactly why you have to find your identity in Christ.

As you let the gospel become the center of who you are, you become — as James 1 puts it — perfect and complete, lacking nothing. As you find your wholeness in Christ, you’re no longer offended when your child doesn’t obey immediately. You don’t lose it. You don’t feel humiliated when your child misbehaves in public, because you realize they aren’t trying to make you look bad.

Your heart becomes about your child — because the more you understand the gospel, the more you understand God’s heart toward you.

Think about it. God holds the position of ultimate authority. He has all the power and all the position. He’s smarter than us. He has deeper character than us. He is better than us in every conceivable way.

And not once does He use that to manipulate us, to stir us up and break our spirits.

Instead, we see the God of the universe coming down, taking on human flesh, putting Himself in a sense under us, to go and die our death on a cross so we could be freed. He had our best in mind.

That’s what a good parent does.

And I’ve watched so many of you do exactly this. You sacrifice for your kids. You set things aside. You’re genuinely great at it. I just want to help you shrink those 5% and 10% and 20% moments.

And that comes as you’re saturated in the gospel. As your identity is found in Christ, you realize you are complete, whole, lacking nothing — and now you can minister to your kid and lead them the way they need to be led.

Because the better you do at this, the easier it becomes for them to obey. So if you want to help your kid do their part, seek after Christ.

Kids, obey your parents because it pleases the Lord — ultimately this is about God, so keep your eyes on Jesus. Parents, God wants to use you to mold and shape your child into the image of Jesus — and that happens better, more effectively, and with far more joy as you keep your eyes on Christ.

If This Doesn’t Fit Your Season

Some of you are thinking, None of this fits me. I’m not a parent. Or maybe you’re an empty nester and the kids are grown.

My advice is the same as for everyone else: keep your eyes on Christ.

I’ll acknowledge there are pockets of our culture where having kids is treated as better. Some of you have felt it. It’s beginning to shift, but especially twenty or thirty years ago when I was getting married, there was this pressure — if you were single, something must be wrong with you. Good people get married. And then once you’re married: now you’ll have kids.

Literally in our wedding line — my wife and I had just said our vows, we’re greeting everyone and about to head to the reception — someone came through and asked, “So when are you two having kids?”

We hadn’t even had our wedding night.

There’s this constant pressure to advance to the next stage. You have one kid: when’s the next one?

I want you to know that’s not what God has for you. God does not measure your value by whether you’re married, or whether you have children, or whether you have more children than the neighbors. God wants to minister to you in this season.

If this season has kids — wonderful. If this season doesn’t — wonderful. Seek after Christ whatever season you’re in. If the season changes, trust that God is bringing you along. And if the season lasts a long time, keep seeking Him.

A Word to College Students

Some of you are thinking kids are a long way off — and I’m thinking particularly of our college students, who are in that strange in-between. I’m sort of still a kid, but also not. So do I obey my parents in everything?

I was on the phone this week with my twenty-five-year-old daughter, and somehow it came up that sociologists about twenty years ago were proposing extending adolescence to age twenty-six — some even to thirty — because of what we’ve learned about brain development.

The moment it left my mouth I thought, I’m an idiot. She’s going to think I just called her a kid.

Instead she surprised me. “Oh, I totally see that.”

Really?

“Yeah. I think it was just last year that I felt like my brain finally became an adult brain.”

So if you’re feeling like you’re still a kid, here’s my advice — and I’ll readily admit this is opinion. Hopefully a God-saturated opinion, but still opinion, because I don’t have chapter and verse for it.

Part of why this is confusing is that we have no ceremony marking the transition from childhood to adulthood. Many cultures had a clear one: after this moment, you’re an adult. We don’t. So some people think it’s the day you turn eighteen — you can vote, you can be drafted, you’re an adult. Others think it’s starting college, or your first job, or your first debt, or getting married.

Here’s what I think. When you’re in college, you’re making adult decisions. You may still feel like a kid, but you’re making financial decisions, relational decisions, decisions about your future — and often you’re making them on your own. So I have to start treating you like an adult.

Which means I don’t think you should obey your parents in everything. But you should still honor your parents in everything.

You’d be a fool not to draw on your parents’ wisdom. They have far more experience than you, and they usually have your best interests at heart. They love you, and they aren’t going to try to ruin your life.

But suppose you have a mom or dad saying, “After you graduate, you’re going to law school.” If you’re wired that way — and they probably see it — and it’s a good career and a good future and you’d excel at it, and you believe it would be a great life choice and a way to honor God, then do it.

But if you feel differently — if you don’t believe that’s what God is calling you to — you are not sinning by saying, “I don’t think I’m going to law school.” Still show respect. Still show honor. But don’t feel you have to.

Because if you let mom and dad dictate everything while you’re in college, it’s going to be much harder to establish yourself as an adult once you’re out in a career. I think college should be the time to practice, because you have people around you and for you. If you’re part of the Riverwood family, we’d be honored to be part of that. We want to help you get established, because our world needs people who will live like Jesus lived and love like Jesus loved — and this is the time to practice.

So text mom. Call dad. Get their input. But don’t feel obligated to do everything they say, because you’re beginning to establish yourself as an adult through these decisions.

Again — opinion, not fact.

These Words Were Already Fulfilled

One last thing before we come to the table.

When we hear verses 20 and 21, you’re probably like me — you think of them as what God wants from you. Kids, you’re thinking about having to obey your parents. Parents, you’re thinking about not provoking your children.

But I want you to see that these aren’t only instructions from God to us. They’re also words that were fulfilled by God.

Jesus, God the Son, obeyed the Father in everything. So kids, when God asks you to obey your parents, He’s asking you to do something Jesus has already done perfectly.

And when we look at God’s heart toward us, we see He never once abused His position of power. He sacrificed it, so we could come into relationship with Him.

Our sin kept us separated, and that drove Him to act. He loves us so much. It was His plan from the very beginning — even when He created Adam and Eve, He knew what they would do. He knew the pain that would enter the world. And He still entered into that pain, went to the cross, paid our penalty, and died our death to give us the life He always wanted us to have.

So as we come to the communion elements, this isn’t duty. It isn’t just the thing we do every week. We come because God the Son perfectly obeyed the Father by going to the cross, and the Father sacrificed His Son for us. He was willing to do whatever it took to make you His.

So this moment should be a moment of joy and celebration — and also a moment of confession. Because while Jesus fulfilled these words perfectly, you and I don’t.

Moms and dads, if you’ve had a rough week — maybe even a rough moment this morning — this is a beautiful time to realize God forgives you through the cross.

A Prayer

Heavenly Father, thank You for these words in Your Scriptures.

I pray for the kids in this room — that You’d help them truly grasp this and take hold of it, and that they’d become the kind of kids who can obey. Help them learn that obedience isn’t merely compliance; it’s part of their growth, part of their maturing, part of becoming who You are making them. Because ultimately, God, they are to obey You. Help them grow in this. Help them see that their mom and dad’s heart is for them — not trying to rob them of anything, but wanting to help them become who You’re calling them to be. Through the power of Your Holy Spirit, help the kids obey.

I pray for moms and dads — that they would love their kids the way You love us. That they’d be willing, day in and day out, to sacrifice their time, their energy, and their attention for the good of their children. Just as Your heart is for us, may their hearts be for their children. Work in these moms and dads so they can lead like Jesus toward their kids, and as they love them, prepare them for the life You have for them.

And Father, if they’ve had those hard moments, help them forgive themselves. Give them the courage to go and seek forgiveness from their child. Make these relationships strong, so that as these parents sacrifice themselves, their kids can rise up and honor them and say how blessed they are to have this mom and this dad.

Lord, I pray for those from broken families, for whom this is hard to hear because it sounds like it assumes a mom and dad still together. May our eyes ultimately be on You — that we’d realize You are the perfect Father, and You are the one we need. If You’ve blessed us with a mom and dad in this life, we thank You. If we have a parent who has passed away, we thank You for the time we had. And for anyone whose relationship with a parent is broken right now, I pray You’d bring repentance and reconciliation.

But God, whatever season we find ourselves in, may You be our focus. May our identity be found in this life-changing gospel. Because I trust that You can fill the gaps we lack, whether in a parent relationship or a child relationship — and we can entrust them to You as we entrust ourselves to You.

Father, if there’s anything I said this morning that wasn’t of You, graciously let us forget it. But the things that were from You, the things Your Spirit wants us to keep — help us hold onto them, and let them carry us not just through this next day and week, but through the rest of our lives as we seek to honor You in all things. In Jesus’s name we pray, amen.